Office Archetypes, Part 1

Throughout my—admittedly limited—career (if you could call it that, as I’m still not sure where ‘I’m going in life’ so I don’t know if that means I have a career, or I have just had a series of jobs), I believe have encountered at least one example of every type of office (or service-industry location) personality. It should be noted that particular sets of traits below are not mutually exclusive. Also, just because there are these 'types' out there, doesn't mean that every office has one of each. Duh. I’m also thinking that this list will have to be updated from time to time, as I am relatively young and still meeting new types of people. And you, blog reader, are probably unique and amazing and do not fit into any of these categories (unless I include someone cool, which I haven’t decided, as of beginning this paragraph, if I will—maybe it will just turn into a part 1/part2 deal).*

Diana: A Diana is a person who is horrible to work with/for. You know, however, that, because of the set of skills and knowledge Diana has (Diana has probably been around for a while, and if you have a 'why are we doing what we're doing' historical question, I'd suggest going to her before you change anything), you really need to do what it takes to be on her good side (by some combination of being good at your job/not crossing her/sucking up without her knowing). As long as you are on her good side, she will go to bat for you, and will let you in on who she can’t stand and why she can’t stand them. If you're as concerned with what other people think about you as I am, you’re constantly worrying about what Diana will say about you but knows enough that you really should do what it takes to be on her good side, and hope that you never upset her. If you do, watch your back. Diana is very powerful, and, if she doesn’t hate you enough to be mean, is actually kind of awesome—she has the right to be so Dianna-y.

Kathy: Kathy has quite a bit in common with Diana, but is probably in a position slightly- to much-lower than you on the job ladder. She is someone that you know, in the back of your head, that you would rather not suck up to, but you also know that if you do not do everything in your power to get on her good side, you will never get your mail or receive the box of Pilot Rollerball pens you know that you ordered but have to be logged by her on their way to you. Even the boss of your boss is a bit afraid of Kathy, because, unlike Diana (who will probably give you the benefit of the doubt for the first couple of weeks that she knows you), Kathy probably didn’t like you the first time she met you, and you had to earn her respect. Which you would have been glad to do if she hadn’t been so mean to you on your first day. Thankfully, we have a Pat where I work, and she gives me my mail on time. She is delightful and I would never think about not being nice to her. You always kind of hope Kathy will morph into Pat if you are nice enough.

Rachel**: Rachel is relatively inexperienced, but, because of a few pieces of good feedback, at this job or another one, has come to think that she is basically brilliant. She may or may not be brilliant. It could turn out that she has exactly the right combination of skills and personality traits that make her the breed of employee/coworker/boss that has never shown up on the scene. In a very good way. Or it may be that she has done a few good things, and the confidence that she has, based on the way they were received, should be kept inside for a few more years so people don’t start to hate her (she could learn a lot from someone humble like Jonathan). You will know when you have met a Rachel, by the way she rattles off a few thousand ideas in a row. She doesn’t know whether any of them are groundbreaking, or if she is just voicing a few things that anyone who has ever had a job before has already realized, but doesn’t say out loud because they figured everyone already knew (or they kind of like Rachel and want to give her the chance to feel like she pulled something brilliant out of mid-air)

Jonathan: You always hope Jonathan is going to be in the working session going on later today, because, though he rarely asserts himself, every time he does, he says exactly the right thing—finds the solution everyone else in the room was grasping at (the thing Rachel was also thinking, but was afraid that if she blurted out one more ‘idea,’ Dianna would probably strangle her). You need to be very quiet around Jonathan, because he only gives of himself when the time is exactly right. The good thing about Jonathan is that, while he is an emerging genius (see ‘David’ for future outlook), he is pretty new to the workforce, and pretty anti-confrontational, so if something comes up that requires a large amount of work that is mostly bitchwork, but sounds like it could be interesting, or could present opportunities for growth, he’ll either volunteer when no one else does, or be too afraid to refuse if he gets the assignment. Either way, he’ll do a great job.

David: You want this guy around. David is very good at what he does, and very experienced. He has been around long enough to know how to combine innate skill/talent with experience in exactly the right way. He either ‘worked his way up’ and is around 50, or is around 35, and new people resent that they have a young boss (they don't know that the reason he is ready to be their boss at this age is that he found a way to get a lot of experience VERY early. Dude probably started internships in high school), but once they work on a few projects with him, they feel really stupid for doubting him. Jonathan, if he can overcome his shyness, will definitely be a David some day. Rachel, if she is as smart as she thinks she is, will (hopefully. the author is optimistic.) someday be a David too.

Jamie: (Jamie is a boy) Fucking Jamie. How the hell did this ass get this job? I’m sorry—but I really can't stand this twerp. He’s not a bad guy. He just doesn’t deserve what he’s got. Jamie is a bit of a schmoozer, and this probably one of his first jobs, but he is either above you on the ladder, or higher up than you were in your first job so you resent him for it. Jamie’s resume probably has like two things on it, one of which was that he was the President and/or Social Chair at his fraternity. Jamie only got his job because his dad golfs with the CEO or he interviewed with some high-powered female executive with low self esteem and he flirted with her. Jamie doesn’t do anything. Correction—Jamie doesn’t do anything but sit around and eavesdrop on what other people did so he can tell his hiring manager that he did it, or tell his dad, who will pass on to Mr. Banks on the back nine (when he's done with a long day of buttkissing and thunder-stealing, Jamie most likely meets some of his 'brothers' at a bar in the college-y neighborhood or heads straight to an important game for one of the many club sports he plays--with a team of his 'buddies'). Jamie’s going to end up hopping jobs, getting important very quickly and not earning it (he IS the Peter Principle, but with the exception that he never was actually GOOD at a lower-level job, but he DID ‘rise to incompetence’). He will eventually be at David’s level. Probably while David is still there, because David has gone as far as he wanted to go, because he likes what he does, but he wants to have a bit of free time to teach his son to catch/pretend to hate his daughter’s boyfriends/have really good sex with his hot but clever and witty wife. David really doesn’t like Jamie (who is probably James by that point), but David’s too cool to let on. David was probably Jamie’s college roommate, and said at some point, “J—drinking and casual sex are awesome—don’t get me wrong, but if you studied for like an hour a week, you’d probably have a better chance at getting a job when you graduate? So you don’t have to be the creep that has been at college for 10 years and eventually girls stop sleeping with because normal dudes flirt with them too and it’s not a hard choice? Just a thought?” Of course Jamie didn’t listen. Jamie’s a prick. With a rich dad. If he had gone into sales he probably wouldn’t be bad at it, and I’d respect him a bit more. For now I just think he’s a little bitch.

Okay—this does need to be a multi-part entry because, as I am discovering that I am very texty blogger, I am getting a bit of carpel tunnel. Stay tuned, FanClub.

Hehe, I mean stay tuned, Alison, Brian, Kate and Jessica. If you read this far :)

*Names have been changed to protect the author from the inevitable beat-down from the actual person(s) on which the archetype was developed in situations where the description, which was probably meant to be as flattering as possible, could be viewed as negative. Or maybe the name is exactly the same, just to mix it up, so the person who it is based on, if (s)he was ever become one of the imaginary one million eventual readers of this blog, would have to guess whether the author would be so bold as to actually use their real name, or if I’m talking about someone else who has similar characteristics, and fact that the name listed is actually their name is coincidental.

**Name has not been changed. If you have ever met the author, or are one of my imaginary ‘fans’ and have read even one of my posts, you know that this is, quite obviously, me.