Reading Age

I got into work yesterday, and there was a copy of Glamour magazine on my chair. With a picture of Miley Cyrus on the cover. Obscuring half of Ms. Cyrus’ face was a bright orange stickynote with from my boss (a wonderful woman of indeterminable age—more than 50 but less than 60):

“R:I have no clue who would
Send me this magazine
but it is obviously too
‘young’ for me.
Thought I’d pass along.

Enjoy!”

A kind gesture, to be sure, but one that made me question my ‘reader age’. Are magazines the same as books? (I have always been a very advanced reader: grabbing anything small and thick (thatswhatshesaid) from the library shelves during grade school library hour, uttering an indignant ‘I know—I’m not like other children’ when told by the librarian that it might be ‘too advanced’ for ‘someone my age.’ The best part was reading the book that night and coming back in the next morning to tell Mrs. Beasley that her outfit was a Catch 22.) If I am young, do I automatically have a young ‘magazine age?’

When it comes down to it, I do not wholly like any magazine--especially those intended for someone my age. But I am a magazine person, so I will get seven magazines, so that I can get the teeny piece of each one that I actually like. If I could build a perfect magazine, though (a me-specific ageless magazine, as these have probably always been my preferences), it would have the following components:

• An article about an unusual (preferably violent) crime or a serial killer
• New uses for old things (aka 101 ways to use a q-tip)
• An article about someone with a mysterious disease, complete with photos and testimonials
• Something sexual I have never heard of that does not require an unusually open mind, equipment with a large pricetag or footprint, or flexibility beyond what is required for beginner’s yoga
• A health amount of current events, as I can't be bothered with reading newspapers, but do like to be aware of what is going on in the world around me.
• A few recipes easily and impressively assembled using ingredients from my well-stocked spice rack and one to three ingredients that can be found at a normal grocery store
• A very easy but impressive way to apply a makeup product I can buy at the drugstore for under $8
• A horoscope section that makes me doubt my skeptical view of astrology, as my horoscope sounds exactly like me, and promises me an amazing month (i had considered saying that this magazine should include horoscopes based on chinese astrology, but i hate chinese astrology because i was born in the year of the cock. and i have to say that any time anyone asks)
• Ideas for downloadable mp3 mixes (every month could have something different—very easy—just ten songs for working out/making out/getting into party mode after a saturday afternoon nap/etc)
• A section on celebrities looking ugly/not wearing makeup. Because every magazine should definitely have this.

My perfect magazine would NOT have any of these features:

• Step-by-step instructions for styling your long luscious curly hair and/or bangs (if I had curly hair and/or bangs, I would not need styling advice!!!)
• (There should also be no mention of seperating my hair into sections and wrapping them around a large curling iron/velcro rollers/soda cans(!?!?) or securing it with three bobby pins.)
• Something sexual I HAVE heard of, which has been mentioned in the same magazine every third month for the last two years, but is now called something different (we all know the ice cube/hot water trick and pretended to implement it spontaneously)
• Recipes that require me to visit my 'local Asian market' or locate fresh herbs that i have never heard of and finely mince them/grind them with my mortar and pestle
• Pages upon pages of beautiful outfits I cannot afford/would look horrid on me (as with 'how to style your perfect hair', if I looked like that, I would probably not need any advice)/would definitely show my crotch
• Anything about Jesus, buying a car or raising a family

Don’t get me wrong—I’m about to go read Glamour on the bike at the gym, and thanks so much BossLady for thinking of me—but just so you know, this girl is wise beyond her reading age years.