Dear Mailbox-Cloggers:

I went to school for advertising, so know a bit about of the theory behind targeting an audience, but, admittedly, was too insecure to actually enter the field, so did not have time to build a network in 'the biz.' So, i guess, if any of you know who this should go to, feel free to pass along.

___


Dear Companies who Keep Sending me Junk Mail:


I think you may need to review your direct mail strategy and/or remove me from your list for one or more of the following reasons:

1) I do not open anything unless it looks like it:

• comes from my mother or a close friend/relative
• relates to a bill i do not pay through automatic withdrawal
• contains a check
• has information that, if i did not respond to, would result in a summons or a bench warrant

2) I do not have a car, and probably won't any time in the foreseeable future. This stems from the fact that

• i live in a biggish city
• i grew up in Nebraska
• i am scared of the number of cars on the road and the complex traffic patterns that simply do not exist in a place whose main exports are corn and football players

3) I do not have cable (and therefore do not have to be persuaded to switch providers), as I prefer to spend the portion of my budget that could possibly be allocated to cable on paying someone to do my laundry (i live in a big city now (see above) and have discovered 'drop off')

4) I am not a 70-year old woman or an 11 year old girl with dreams of Fashion School (This only applies to whoever keeps sending me JoAnn Fabrics circulars)

5) I hate to shop and, on the frightful occasions when i do, will not be bullied into making it happen 'before this limited time offer expires'

6) I have been scared by too many Datelines/email forwards warning me of the plethora of "We are from your bank--we swear! Give us your account number, mother's maiden name, and high school mascot, and $1 million will show up in your account immediately--we swear!!!" scams, and am afraid to open anything, email or otherwise, that even SAYS the name of my bank on it.

While it's not too big of an inconvenience to me, aside from the fact that i actually do have to examine each piece of mail to see whether it falls into any of the categories listed in #1 above, , i would like to think that i am being a good citizen in recommending that perhaps you repurpose the $0.001 you spend on me to the charity of your choice.

So thanks for thinking of me, but if it's an option, i'd really like to 'pass.'

xoxo
R

p.s. If you're really trying to get to me, might I suggest you alter your strategy, and move toward one that includes sending cash or no-strings-attached Target gift cards in every mailing? If you send me enough cash, maybe I will feel guilty enough to get a recycling bin. At Target. On you.