Webster Pawsley

Every once in a while, I come down with a bad case of ‘puppy fever.’ When I’ve got a temperature of pupphundred and three, all I can think about is puppies (getting one or stealing someone else’s), and can feel the lack of puppy in sulfurous cloud above and around me, following me wherever I go.

But at the same time I can hear my heartbeat going “woof-woof…woof-woof”... I know very well that i don't want a damn puppy. They smell and i'm allergic to them and i can barely remember to feed mySELF at regular intervals. I’m also not going to buy a car just so i can take the little midget to the vet but i REFUSE to be that weirdo who's carrying a dog in a duffel on the bus.

Once, when I was tossing and turning, and on the verge of another case of puppfluenza, I had the most wonderful dream. This dream was different than my regular-interval puppydreams. The dream starred a black and white minidog--a wiggly ball of puppylove smelled like freshly washed laundry but never had to be bathed. He had opposable thumbs or something too, because he had figured out how to bag his own poop. This dog was amazing. And his name was Webster. Because Webster is a sweet name, and I definitely would not have a dog without a sweet name, me being so sweet.

I don't know dog breeds, and don’t like having nagging questions hanging around in the back of my mind (this question, of course, being—now what kind of dog is my little Webster?). I spent half of the next day at work saying i was too busy to start new projects, all the while googling

• "black and white dog", "pointy eared dog",
• " black and white dog that's not so small you have to put galoshes on it when it rains, but not so big he can't sit on your lap when you're cold and too lazy to get off your ass and turn up the heat."
• "Black and white dog with enough attitude that he wouldn't be be vulnerable to pettings from 'strangers' on the street and bring home germs i didn't earn but not so much that he would scare off a grandma type (grandma-type being obviously the best example of one who would be easily scared). "

Result: Boston Terrier

Once i had figured out the breed, the rest was simple. Fashioned an appropriately distinguished, yet approachable, surname (yeah yeah it's super lame when people give their dogs made up last names, but Pawsley works on so many levels and kind of had to happen. Just be glad i vetoed Barkingsford and Wigglesbottom); informed others that i now had a dog and to be on the lookout; sat back and did not worry about how to haul a bag of dog food home from the store.

So now people know that i have a dog—a dog named Webster Pawsley—and he's 'around'(as any boston terrier sightings are, obviously, him). Thanks to google.com/images i have built up an impressive photo album of him at different life stages and using various pet products. I get a text every once in a while, sometimes including a photo - "Saw Wbstr @ farmers mrkt w/Tall guy. Looking sharp."