Jeans Day

Today is Friday, which means i have the privilege of wearing jeans to work. Every time i wear jeans to work, i am reminded of my first week at my first 'big girl job'.

My coworkers were predisposed to disliking me, due to the fact that i, admittedly, got the job mostly because my mom used to date the executive director. They were cordial enough, but saying i had less than a receptive welcome would be a vast understatement. (To be fair, it was an admin assistant job, none of the other applicants had had any schooling past high school (with the exception of one woman who boasted a 'typing certificate'). Networking is perfectly acceptable, people! 'It pays to know people' still applies when you know people because they used to do your mom, thankyouverymuch.)

This being said, you can understand why i may have been a bit skeptical when a coworker said "no, really--we wear jeans on Fridays. you can even wear flip flops and tank tops. it's super casual." Sure. Sure--you'd like that, wouldn't you? Friday is probably black tie day and you're hazing me.

I wore a suit to work on my first Friday. Then, upon arriving, i discovered that fridays were, in fact, VERY casual (one of the older employees was even wearing leggings, a black bra, and a (VERY!) see-thru black tunic--which she attempted to rationalize by letting everyone know that she was 'going out tonight and wouldn't have time to change').

I quickly snuck out the back door, went to the bathroom, and changed into my 'backup outfit'. And bought the previously mentioned coworker a Frappuccino, in hopes of extinguishing the guilt i felt for so vehemently distrusting her.

With this Splenda, I thee Wed

If the religious right had finally gotten over the whole 'a marriage should be between a man and a woman' thing, and not only same sex marriages, but also lady/fruit unions were possible, last night i would have fashioned a ring out of a splenda packet... gotten down on one knee... and said...

Strawberries,

You and i have been together for about a day and a half.

A WONDERFUL day and a half.

When i spotted you at the grocery store, on sale for 3.99 with use of a discount card, i could hardly imagine the joy you would give to my, until now, unenlightened existence.

Ever since 6 minutes ago, when i opened the carton, gave you a sensual bath in cold tap water, and diced you into little pieces,

I've been thinking about how you are the very meaning of the word perfect.

Now that I've met you, i know that my life wouldn't be complete without you in my bowl and in my tummy.

Will you do me the honor, Strawberries,

of being my fruitwife?

Scapegoat

I have now been reprimanded at work for two seperate incidents that had nothing to do with me.

Both incidents were minor wrongdoings of others named Rachel. Someone has called me after something has been said/done and said "They said it was Rachel--how are you going to act like it wasn't you?"

Um. Hello. There are OTHER RACHELS!!!!

I have always liked other Rachels. It's been like, "Hey! you're Rachel? I'M Rachel! We have so much in common!" No more, man. From now on whenever i meet another Rachel i will look her up and down with a glare in my eye, wondering to myself what kind of stuff she's going to blame on me.

God bless her

I'd like to formally thank the cleaning lady at my office for smelling like a box of dryer sheets.

She doesn't come until 6, and I can get away with leaving at 5 every day, but knowing she'll show up makes working late totally worth it.

I think I'm in LOVE!

I don’t know if I was a bit late to the game—I don’t know if this is something everyone else knows about and it took me 27 ½ years to find out…? If so, why in the hell hasn't anyone brought this to my attention!??

SkyMall.

For those of you who ignored the catalog in the seat pocket in front of you on your last flight, I strenuously urge you—DO SO NO MORE!!! It is the most wonderful, absurd collection of ridiculous things you do not need, all in one place. I forsee several love letters to SkyMall in my future.

For an example, the handsome fellow above is the “Zombie of Montclaire Moors.” Available for purchase at the unbelievably low price of 89.95, plus shipping and handling.

“…this life-size, gray-toned zombie will claw his way out of your garden plot, office, or family room corner, pleading for assistance with the most lifelike eyes you've ever seen.”

Can you imagine? Yes!!! Yes, I can imagine!!!

(photo courtesy of www.skymall.com)

Groundbreaking Toe Scum Research - NOW AVAILABLE!

I recently administered a survey to a very small group (20 participants total). The survey asked for very personal information, all around the basic question of 'how long does it take you to shower, and which parts of yourself do you wash in that time?'

I had two main hypotheses to prove/disprove:
Hypothesis 1. No one washes inside their ears with water in the shower.
Hypothesis 2: I am not hygenically deviant just because I do not wash between my toes every day.

Below, please find a summary of relevant information obtained, and final conclusions.

__________________

Things I could have guessed, but am glad to have validated by this survey

• There is a directly proportionate relationship between the amount of time spent in the shower and the number of parts washed
• There’s just about an even split between the number of people who like ‘showering together’ and those who don’t. I myself am torn completely in half. If my shower was twice as large and had two shower heads, I’d be completely pro-.
• Most people clean their ears in some way. Except one of my coworkers, who admitted to me that she likes to ‘keep it natural’
  

Things that caught me off guard

• 25 percent of people wash inside their mouths in the shower on a daily basis.
  That number jumps to 40 when they’re given extra time. That is just weird.
• Males are much more likely than females to be cleanfreaks! Who knew!?? Who knew that the reason men spend 15 minutes in the shower is because they're actually CLEANING themselves? (I admit to assuming it was for other um. activities.)

Some of the ‘comments’ offered by survey responders were:

• Is there something wrong with me that I don't wash between my toes?
  (note from author: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! THAT IS WHAT CLOGGED DRAINS ARE FOR!!! WHO NEEDS TO SCRUB WHEN YOU’RE STANDING IN AN INCH OR TWO OF WATER ANYWAY???)
• Moisturizing after is essential!
• Dirty elbows or death!

______________________________

In conclusion:

Hypothesis 1. No one washes inside their ears with water in the shower.
Result: Neither Proven nor Disproven. Approximately half of respondents answered yes to the question of "Do you wash the insides of your ears in the shower with shower water?"

Hypothesis 2: I am not officially a slob just because I do not wash between my toes every day.
Proven Enough!! Only 6/20 answered yes to the question of whether they wash in between their toes on a daily basis. (However, over half do this in long luxurious showers. Fair enough. THOUGH these are probably the same crazies that rinse their mouth out with shower spray. And i don't WANT to be like those people.)

Full survey results available upon request.

Will you accept this Rose?

I had a dream last night, wherein I was competing with the members of my Sorority pledge class, on some sort of The Bachelor-type reality show, for the affections of Gary Busey. Though I faced some stiff competition, and have never been too attracted to The Buse’, I and pulled out a win by serving potato soup made with my special secret recipe.

Gary and Rachel sitting in a tree. Eating Potato Soup.