B.O. Threat Level Index

-1: I swear! My boyfriend SWEATS cologne!

0*: I never have BO OR Sweat! I am so jealous of people who do! I run five miles a day, am in great shape, and never sweat or stink—it totally sucks! I don’t really even need to wash my clothes but sometimes they stretch out when I wear them. I wish I had to do laundry and wear deodorant like normal people!

1*: I sweat when I work out or if it’s really hot outside, but I never really smell. It’s kind of weird. Sometimes I wish I did so I could prove it to someone that I’m a real man.

2: No—I said it was ‘cute’ b.o.! You smell like ‘aww cute—she probably did yoga today and sweat a teensy bit’ but not like you need to shower or anything**

3: Hm. Yep. That’s B.O. alright. Textbook.

4. Is someone cutting onions? Why is someone cutting onions at work? Oh. Oh my—oh holy lord in heaven! That is SO not onions!

5. I wonder how long I can hold my breath. I wonder if I can carry on a conversation with this person without breathing. I wonder if i would rather die from lack of oxygen to the brain or from asphyxiation by a cloud of bad b.o.

6. I need a new chair. Stinky MacStink sat in this chair before me, and no amount of Febreeze is going to right his wrongs

____ *Also known as the ‘bitch’ levels. What do you MEAN you wish you sweat and smelled ?Are you fucking crazy??? People like you are the reason that people hate other people.

**Calling it ‘cute b.o.’ does not negate the fact that you told me I smelled. You know who you are. How the hell am I supposed be okay with that?? Of course I’m going to shower!!