A wikipedia entry that made me laugh out loud

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Count_von_Count

How'd that get there?

There’s a game I like to play with myself called (as the title of this post may suggest), “How’d that get there!?!” It is a game I have a hard time getting away from. See, there is an imagination spectrum, and most people fall somewhere between creative-when-they-need-to-be and functionally logical. I am, and much prefer those who are also, on the opposite side, the completely bonkers side. For example… this can be played in normal situations: I was going through security at o’hare the other day, and I placed my computer and my shoes in a bin. After going through the beepy thing, I went to grab my possessions, and saw that only ONE shoe was in the tray. After a bit of carrying on, and thinking about how I was going to get home with one shoe (and how much I really like my shoes…), I noticed my missing shoe in the tray of another gentleman, two trays behind mine on the belt. Now, how’d that GET there??! Logical: While going down the conveyor belt, the shoe was jostled and fell into the tray behind it. That particular tray was full, so the shoe was bumped to the next available tray. Unlikely, but a bit more creative: The TSA fellow likes to meddle in the affairs of unsuspecting passengers. The reason I sometimes find my lipstick missing two days after flying is because Johnny placed it into the briefcase of the man behind me. His wife is calling for a divorce. Bonkers: Gremlins. Big shoe-eating gremilins who live inside of the tsa cameras, and swoop down whenever they see ballet flats. Eat them right up. This particular ballet flat, however, didn’t quite agree with this particular gremlin’s gremliny digestive track, so he pooped it out right after eating it whole. At this time, another tray happened to be directly under his gremliny behind. Gremlins, of course, have no bodily fluids, so most of what they poop out is about as clean as it was when it went in. Sometimes cleaner. This can also be played in hypothetical situations. Or used to screen potential friends: For example: A piece of iceberg lettuce is resting gently on the top of the chimney of a three-story house? How’d THAT get there!!? Logical (aka someone I would choose to work with on a project of great importance, but would not invite out for a beer afterwards): Was it windy? Perhaps someone was eating a salad nearby and an updraft took a piece? Creative (but slightly boring): The family that lives in the house was having a rooftop picnic to watch some kind of parade? The menu included some kind of salad? Bonkers (aka new best friend/soulmate): This didn’t happen on July 13th did it? Because if it did that would make perfect sense, as that is the day The great Marthilda returns. Marthilda, the 4-story tall Lady of the Bluebirds, who parades through the boulevards, amassing a great coat of bluebirds, as all flock to attach themselves to her. Marthilda, with her wig entirely made of iceberg lettuce, must have bumped into a lightpole, knocking loose one small piece, which fell to rest on a nearby chimney.

out of touch

I just saw a group of girls all fancied up for going out and wondered to myself what kind of costume party they were going to (something with a theme that requires one to wear heels and makeup). It has been exactly that long since I have tried to look presentable to the public.

Baseball is Lame

by rachel Let me tell you why baseball is lame It’s a slow and very boring game Folks standing around Staring at the ground Yes, Baseball is lame, I proclaim It's a game where they score very little The players, they’re quite noncommittal They’d rather be home Or maybe in Rome On a bench munching on peanut brittle Maybe the sole sport should be Nascar Every weekend on at every bar This sport’s got the mullets Pour Beer down your gullets And send baseball away very far

B.O. Threat Level Index

-1: I swear! My boyfriend SWEATS cologne!

0*: I never have BO OR Sweat! I am so jealous of people who do! I run five miles a day, am in great shape, and never sweat or stink—it totally sucks! I don’t really even need to wash my clothes but sometimes they stretch out when I wear them. I wish I had to do laundry and wear deodorant like normal people!

1*: I sweat when I work out or if it’s really hot outside, but I never really smell. It’s kind of weird. Sometimes I wish I did so I could prove it to someone that I’m a real man.

2: No—I said it was ‘cute’ b.o.! You smell like ‘aww cute—she probably did yoga today and sweat a teensy bit’ but not like you need to shower or anything**

3: Hm. Yep. That’s B.O. alright. Textbook.

4. Is someone cutting onions? Why is someone cutting onions at work? Oh. Oh my—oh holy lord in heaven! That is SO not onions!

5. I wonder how long I can hold my breath. I wonder if I can carry on a conversation with this person without breathing. I wonder if i would rather die from lack of oxygen to the brain or from asphyxiation by a cloud of bad b.o.

6. I need a new chair. Stinky MacStink sat in this chair before me, and no amount of Febreeze is going to right his wrongs

____ *Also known as the ‘bitch’ levels. What do you MEAN you wish you sweat and smelled ?Are you fucking crazy??? People like you are the reason that people hate other people.

**Calling it ‘cute b.o.’ does not negate the fact that you told me I smelled. You know who you are. How the hell am I supposed be okay with that?? Of course I’m going to shower!!

Emotions are hard

Upon seeing this today at my local supermarket...

Awe: "Wow. Is that a lambcake?! That is super sweet!" Amusement: "Oh--Easter! Ha! An easter lamb because it's for easter, but a cake because people are coming over to celebrate, and they'll be hungry!" Ambition: "I should totally buy that. That would be hilarious and ironic, since i'm a pagan who is allergic to cake." Shame: "Oh that is bad. There are people all around me preparing for Easter and celebrating Jesus. They are better people than me and they deserve their cake. And i wouldn't probably even eat the cake and there are starving jesuspeople all over the world" Blame: "No! No they do not deserve their cake! Why should i feel guilty for wanting a funny eastercake?! The should feel guilty for eating a lamb, which is secular and violent! They shouldn't get the lambcakes AND eternal salvation!" Superiority: "I know that if i was one of them i would never do that to Jesus. if i was religious, i'd be one of those religions where you had to stay home praying on the days where people were out praying to santa claus and the cadberry bunny" Distraction: "Ooh! Capri Sun is on sale!"

Down with muumuus!!!

I fiercely object to the muumuu/pregnant dress trend. This has gone on LONG ENOUGH! These dresses (which happen to be the ONLY dresses at 90% of dress-carrying shops) are an assault on womankind. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THEM! No one, I suppose, except pregnant women, but only because everyone knows they are pregnant, so it is perfectly acceptable for them to look like they have a gigantic midsection. Small people look large and misshapen Medium to large people look xtra large. Like a pear on stilts, if you will. Case in point: mannequins were created to make clothes look good. That is their ONLY job! and not even professional making-clothes-look-gooders can pull this shit off!! Why the FUCK aren’t they gone yet!!??! Me and my waist want to buy a dress, and we can’t!!! We cannot find a dress that does not make us look like we plan on going to a barbeque today to pig out, and therefore need as very much stomach-growing room as possible. You can't wear that nonsense to work! And bbq season isn’t even here yet.